Goodbye Blue Monday

"One time he got to paint a message on a five-hundred-pound bomb which was to be dropped on Hamburg, Germany. This was it." -From Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut.


I'm taking my time for the first time in my life. Usually I rush into things. Every day I give myself a to-do list. If at the end of the day I have crossed off everything on my list I can go to sleep with a clear conscience. Sometimes I put things that I am in the middle of doing in order to be able to feel that joy of crossing something else off the list. The list started as a way to remember actual things that I needed to do. Sometimes it is as simple as "wash the coffee pot." This is something I do every morning, but if I write it down and I cross it off my list I feel like I have actually done something. It is somehow quantifiable, real. It is tactile proof that I accomplished something, no matter how small or completely insignificant. In large part though, my day is quite insignificant. I write stories that no one will ever read most likely, I live in my apartment alone and talk to about two people a day.

Obviously there are things that are carried over from day-to-day that never get accomplished. Some of these I am simply unsure as to how to proceed (this usually pertains towards the current story I am working on). Some of the things are just simply things that I cannot accomplish in a single day (this usually refers to my job search), obviously I can make progress on a day-to-day basis but until I apply, interview, and accept that job I cannot cross it off the list.

The one thing that I can't cross off the list is Kristi. I just never want to be done with her. There are things along the way that I can cross off. First kiss. Engagement, etc. But the ultimate goal is open ended. Even after we get married there is life after that. I like the openness of that. A lot of guys tell me that getting engaged or married is somehow a shackle, the whole "Ball and chain," mentality. But I look at it a lot differently. There are a lot of scary things coming up. Life in general scares the crap out of me, but knowing she is by my side helps a lot.

I guess everything being on my to-do list is a way to make the future less scary. By writing down each and every event I am able to somehow tackle the inevitable. It is the same way that Vonnegut describes the bomb. By writing "Goodbye Blue Monday," they were able to somehow name the indefinable. The bomb had serious repercussions that would have very real consequences for those below, but for those dropping the bomb they were able to cope by disqualifying the seriousness of the situation with a joke. Instead of writing "Goodbye Blue Monday," I write "Take out the trash," or "Clean apartment." I am taking those little steps towards the larger goal of life. It might go off like a 500 pound bomb, but at least I will have seen it coming.