22

IF THERE IS NO GOD

If there is no God,
Not everything is permitted to man.
He is still his brother's keeper
And he is not permitted to sadden his brother,
By saying there is no God.

-Czeslaw Milosz Second Space

I turn 22 on Tuesday. From 21 to 22, a lot happened, but I still feel like I am treading water. Maybe there is a more apt appropriation. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a diving board, but I don't know if I can swim. I can jump in and risk drowning, or I can just stand there and hope for the best. I've been standing on that diving board for 21 years. Sure I have made strides towards living a better and healthier life, most, if not all of those decisions were prompted towards hoping to spend as much time as possible with Kristi; I still feel like the same indecisive 18 year old I was when I started college. Each year I look back on my birthday from the year before and I feel like saying "Oh I was so young then." But in reality what I mean is that I was an idiot then. Each year I am able to shed some minuscule amount of idiotic outer being, but I still don't know how. I would like to be able to shed all idiotic elements out of my life, but I don't know if that is possible.

When I look at how I was and what I acted like at 18 I cannot fathom how I had people who would call themselves my friends. 19 was not much better. The best term can really to be applied to my late teens would be jerk. I am sure other people have choice words which are even more applicable. At 20 I was at my height of being a jerk, and for some reason the least likely person to take a shining to me actually did. I don't know if it was some sort of stereotypical girl wanting the "bad-guy," but I hardly gave her any reason to think of me as anything but the bad boy. But she has stuck around despite ALL of my shortcomings, to which I am infinitely indebted.

I had always had this facade that I had friends who cared about me, and that meant that I must be a good person at my core. This is pretty flawed logic, not only because most of my friends abandoned me but also because I am sure Hitler, the Devil, Grand Vizier Jafar, Dick Cheney, Barbara Walters all have/ had friends. The point is I have re-evaluated how I judge both myself, and who I surround myself with. Maybe that is the point of looking back on history; to notice problems that you faced throughout the year and adjust yours sights accordingly. I just hope I am not missing some sort of grand scheme that is going on under my nose. I'd like to believe that somewhere, deep down I am a good person.